I tried to make that title more original by adding ‘amazing’. I’m silly.
Hey everyone, I’m back with another storytime-like post with something that happened a couple of days ago. I just felt like I needed to blog about it! So here I am!
It was around 10am on Wednesday (the date in the title) and I was coming out of my room after changing when I saw my Mum climbing up the ladder into the loft. So I was like:
‘Hey Mum, what are you getting from the loft?’
And she replied with:
‘Just getting your old tap and ballet shoes, a friend has a daughter that’s been taking ballet and tap classes, and I thought she’d really like them.’
And that’s when the unexpected rush of sadness came flooding in. But as Elsa famously sang, ‘CONCEAL DON’T FEEL DON’T LET THEM KNOWWWW’. So I said:
‘Oh, that’s cool. I haven’t used them in ages anyway. You’re always such a good friend to people Mum!’
‘Yeah, I try I best!’
I turned to leave to head downstairs but I couldn’t. Something was holding me back. So I stopped, turned back and asked my mum if I could have the shoes to look at them before she left later today to give to the friend of hers. She said ok, handed the box to me once she’d got them, and as soon as I opened them I was hit with a fierce force of broken dreams.
Nobody who knows me now, and nobody who looks at me now would ever believe that I took ballet and tap when I was younger. And they wouldn’t believe even more that I used to be really good at it. Like, really good.
I did all this when I was living in London all those years ago, and I really loved everything about it. When I opened that shoe box and saw the battered and worn ballet shoes, and the pristine matte back tap shoes with that awesome heel, I literally saw that huge spacious room with those wall height mirrors along the wall, the ballet rails on the sides…I saw it all. It’s like I was there! Then I remembered the joyous feeling I got everytime I put on that leotard and slipped on those ballet shoes. The feeling of accomplishment when I got complement after complement from my ballet teacher. It’s all hazy, it’s been a long time ago and a lot has happened since then, but I still felt it all and it made me so happy.
It was all going so well, why did it have to go all wrong? That’s the feeling I got next after the happiness and nostalgia left me. Sadness. I had it all going for me…what if we stayed in London? What if I continued ballet? What if my ‘Dad’ let my mum go to Disney when they scouted me? But I’ll never know. I’d like to think in an alternate universe the other me is living that life. I hope she’s enjoying it.
Now when you look at me you don’t see ballerina. You see a teen that’s definitely passed the ‘ballerina skinny’ mark, a teen who’s extremely shy and self-conscious, a teen with a frustrating medical condition. And it’s moments like that that always makes me think…what if he just said yes?
I stepped out of my room with the shoe box full of my broken dreams and hopes. The shoe box full of what I had. The shoe box full of what I could have had.
I closed it, and took a deep breath. I handed them back to my mum (who was in the kitchen) and burst out with:
‘Do you every think about how life could have been if Dad let me do the Disney Channel thing?’
My Mum paused.
‘Jas, you can’t think about the past like that. The past is the past, it’s gone, and as much as we’d like to wonder about it and wish for it, it’s still going to be gone. We can’t get it back. You have to focus on the future, how you can change and improve your future. And then in the end, what could have happened wouldn’t have mattered, because you’ve got what you’ve got now.’
I nodded. I understood. I just wish I could do that.
‘Thanks Mum. It’s just hard, you know?’
‘I know, I know.’
And then she gave me a good ol’ hug. I needed it for sure.
I glanced at the shoe box, then left the kitchen. Then laughed to myself, mocking how upset this has gotten me, as I sat on the sofa in the living room. Or lounge. I’ve always called it the living room.
Life is crazy man. There’s always all these hurdles we’re faced with. Sometimes we start well, jump over every single hurdle effortlessly. Sometimes we start badly, and trip over some hurdles, but in the end we’ll finish the race effortlessly. Did that make sense? Probably not. But there’s always gonna be something in the way in life, but we’ll make it. We’ll come up on top. It might not feel like it, but those letdowns, those missed opportunities, those ‘what could have been’ moments….in the end they won’t matter. Because you would have made it, you would have won.
Please excuse my horrible attempt at inspiring you all. I just started typing, not really thinking…and that’s what was produced.
My life lesson from all this was that the past will always be there. It will always be filled with what could have happened, what didn’t happen, what I wished happened, what I wished didn’t happen, but I have to move on from that. As hard as it is, as painful as it is, I have to move on and focus on what I want my future to look like, so all those regrets and wishes won’t be as prominent. Hopefully, as hard as it will be, I will manage to do so.
This post has come to an end my friends. Thank you all for reading, the mood I was in as I was writing this, as you can probably tell, wasn’t the best mood. I was feeling down, and it fueled me to write this post even more. Events have happened…and I just feel so low. And blogging always makes me happy, so that’s why I’m here!
Thank you for reading once again, I really, really do appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my posts. It’s amazing, you’re all amazing!
I’ll see you all when I see you all in the next post I put up. 🙂
– All The Jazz