12/04/2017 – A Blast From My Amazing Past…

I tried to make that title more original by adding ‘amazing’. I’m silly.

Hey everyone, I’m back with another storytime-like post with something that happened a couple of days ago. I just felt like I needed to blog about it! So here I am!

It was around 10am on Wednesday (the date in the title) and I was coming out of my room after changing when I saw my Mum climbing up the ladder into the loft. So I was like:

‘Hey Mum, what are you getting from the loft?’

And she replied with:

‘Just getting your old tap and ballet shoes, a friend has a daughter that’s been taking ballet and tap classes, and I thought she’d really like them.’

And that’s when the unexpected rush of sadness came flooding in. But as Elsa famously sang, ‘CONCEAL DON’T FEEL DON’T LET THEM KNOWWWW’. So I said:

‘Oh, that’s cool. I haven’t used them in ages anyway. You’re always such a good friend to people Mum!’

‘Yeah, I try I best!’ 

I turned to leave to head downstairs but I couldn’t. Something was holding me back. So I stopped, turned back and asked my mum if I could have the shoes to look at them before she left later today to give to the friend of hers. She said ok, handed the box to me once she’d got them, and as soon as I opened them I was hit with a fierce force of broken dreams. 

Nobody who knows me now, and nobody who looks at me now would ever believe that I took ballet and tap when I was younger. And they wouldn’t believe even more that I used to be really good at it. Like, really good. 

I did all this when I was living in London all those years ago, and I really loved everything about it. When I opened that shoe box and saw the battered and worn ballet shoes, and the pristine matte back tap shoes with that awesome heel, I literally saw that huge spacious room with those wall height mirrors along the wall, the ballet rails on the sides…I saw it all. It’s like I was there! Then I remembered the joyous feeling I got everytime I put on that leotard and slipped on those ballet shoes. The feeling of accomplishment when I got complement after complement from my ballet teacher. It’s all hazy, it’s been a long time ago and a lot has happened since then, but I still felt it all and it made me so happy. 

It was all going so well, why did it have to go all wrong? That’s the feeling I got next after the happiness and nostalgia left me. Sadness. I had it all going for me…what if we stayed in London? What if I continued ballet? What if my ‘Dad’ let my mum go to Disney when they scouted me? But I’ll never know. I’d like to think in an alternate universe the other me is living that life. I hope she’s enjoying it. 

Now when you look at me you don’t see ballerina. You see a teen that’s definitely passed the ‘ballerina skinny’ mark, a teen who’s extremely shy and self-conscious, a teen with a frustrating medical condition. And it’s moments like that that always makes me think…what if he just said yes?

I stepped out of my room with the shoe box full of my broken dreams and hopes. The shoe box full of what I had. The shoe box full of what I could have had. 

I closed it, and took a deep breath. I handed them back to my mum (who was in the kitchen) and burst out with:

‘Do you every think about how life could have been if Dad let me do the Disney Channel thing?’

My Mum paused. 

‘Jas, you can’t think about the past like that. The past is the past, it’s gone, and as much as we’d like to wonder about it and wish for it, it’s still going to be gone. We can’t get it back. You have to focus on the future, how you can change and improve your future. And then in the end, what could have happened wouldn’t have mattered, because you’ve got what you’ve got now.’ 

I nodded. I understood. I just wish I could do that. 

‘Thanks Mum. It’s just hard, you know?’

‘I know, I know.’

And then she gave me a good ol’ hug. I needed it for sure. 

I glanced at the shoe box, then left the kitchen. Then laughed to myself, mocking how upset this has gotten me, as I sat on the sofa in the living room. Or lounge. I’ve always called it the living room. 

Life is crazy man. There’s always all these hurdles we’re faced with. Sometimes we start well, jump over every single hurdle effortlessly. Sometimes we start badly, and trip over some hurdles, but in the end we’ll finish the race effortlessly. Did that make sense? Probably not. But there’s always gonna be something in the way in life, but we’ll make it. We’ll come up on top. It might not feel like it, but those letdowns, those missed opportunities, those ‘what could have been’ moments….in the end they won’t matter. Because you would have made it, you would have won. 

Please excuse my horrible attempt at inspiring you all. I just started typing, not really thinking…and that’s what was produced. 

My life lesson from all this was that the past will always be there. It will always be filled with what could have happened, what didn’t happen, what I wished happened, what I wished didn’t happen, but I have to move on from that. As hard as it is, as painful as it is, I have to move on and focus on what I want my future to look like, so all those regrets and wishes won’t be as prominent. Hopefully, as hard as it will be, I will manage to do so.

This post has come to an end my friends. Thank you all for reading, the mood I was in as I was writing this, as you can probably tell, wasn’t the best mood. I was feeling down, and it fueled me to write this post even more. Events have happened…and I just feel so low. And blogging always makes me happy, so that’s why I’m here!

Thank you for reading once again, I really, really do appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my posts. It’s amazing, you’re all amazing! 

I’ll see you all when I see you all in the next post I put up. 🙂

  –   All The Jazz 

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31 thoughts on “12/04/2017 – A Blast From My Amazing Past…

  1. this was incredibly touching to read, and i am super happy to hear how supportive your mother is. she teaches you a lot of wise meaningful lessons and i’m glad she was able to comfort you. one day you will look back and see how you rejuggled the pieces of your broken dreams to build yourself a strong future. this was really inspiring to read, and i enjoyed this genre of writing. all the best

    on an unrelated side note, i love your blog design and header. everything looks so beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so, so much. You have no idea how happy this made me when I read it! I write best when I’m upset, as odd as that sounds, and I’m happy it made an impact on you. And yeah, my mum’s awesome. We had a rough March, but even with all that I admire her so much.
      And yep, one day I will. I really really hope I will.
      Awe, thank you once again! Another blogger actually did the header, Mahriya on My Bookish Blog, she did an awesome job. I’m glad you like it🙂🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m smiling knowing my comment made you happy! I think emotions of sadness help us write things that are brutally honest yet moving to others. It shows how much you both love each other and how strong the bond is knowing you can get through rough times together. I know you can. Believe in yourself x

        Ah yes, I know her! She is an amazing graphic designer. I’m always in awe of her designs!

        Have a great day!

        (Btw I tagged you for the beautiful is tag on my last post)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Exactly! I ended up producing my favourite post while I was upset, I guess that’s the only advantage that comes with that.
        I hope you have a great day as well😄
        And aw you did? Thank you, I’ll check it out as soon as I can!

        Like

  2. I love your story(: you’re completely right about how the past is the past and there’s no going back. It’s crazy to think any change back then could have made my current life completely different. That being said, I’m a big fan of living in the now and moving on, because I’ve often heard that the past doesn’t exist so there’s no point in dwelling over it. As long as you’re doing well now, everything is fine(: so are you doing well now?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you🙂 and I agree with everything you’ve said. As for me being ok now, as in happy with how my life is overall, I gotta say no. I mean, I am so appreciative that I’m alive and I have a wonderful family who are happy and healthy, but there’s so much I’d like to change in my life that I don’t like, or that I wish wasn’t there. But in order to improve the present and focus on making the future great, I gotta forget the past! Well, try to anyway😂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I love your story time style posts! This reminds me of how I always try and take chances, because I know if I don’t and I let an opportunity slip away, I could always wonder “what if”. But obviously, this decision was out of your control, so it must have been really hard to look back. And also, thats amazing that you were so good, and Disney channel wanted you! That would have been every kids dream!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oooh what a great post! I loved reading this 🙂 It’s always easy to dwell on the past and the “what could’ve been” and your mistakes and your regrets, etc, but I like to be optimistic and hope that everything was for the best! But I guess sometimes it’s just not that simple..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What an AMAZING post! This is so inspirational and you are so so right! We are always so caught up about the past and what would happen if we decided to do something and how it would affect our lives now that we completely forget that life is still going on and we have to keep moving on. And also WOW! Congratulations on the Disney Channel thing,that’s amazing and I’m sure that you will get tons of other great opportunities in the future! ❤❤ xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I’m so glad this inspired you😊 And yep, the Disney Channel offer was amazing, it would be awesome if I could get another opportunity like that but I highly doubt it. I’m not really the ‘look’ Disney Channel want!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank YOU for inspiring me and I’m certain that they are missing out on a LOT if they don’t think that you have the ‘look’ that they want. I hope that you get tons of even more amazing opportunities in the future! 😊❤ xx

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Omg I loved this!!! XD It’s ok to feel down, hope you can feel better soon! It’s hard to forget about the past and move on, but i guess life is all about that.
    Also, Disney Channel wanted you? OH MY GOD!!! XD XD I would’ve felt like that as well if I were you, but if you could do that, I’m pretty sure bigger and better opportunities will come to you!! Just keep going!! Always!
    AMAZING post!! XD

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This was so amazing, I love how you put it into detail and your always going to think what if I always do I used to do swimming and I was so good and then I left being I was going through some stuff I was 7 and being bullied for it, once somebody told me whatever skill you learn if you just dropped it and pick it up a couple of years later you’ll be just as good as you were. My guitar teacher and my crush both said that to me when I thought of quitting and it really helped maybe it will help you to xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As much as I’d love to pick it up again, it’s too late now. So much has happened between then and now, there’s one significant thing in my way that’s stopping me sadly. But I hope you do start swimming again, as long as nothings stopping you, go for it!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This!!!!! So relatable. Wanna know a secret? I bet your Mum had some of those feelings… why else would she keep those shoes all those years?! I def can’t get rid of my girls first ballet shoes!!! Anyways – just wanted to let you know I’ve tagged you in a post over on my blog “The awesome blogger Award.” Looking forward to seeing some of your answers if you get a chance to do it!

    Like

  9. Ohh this was beautiful to read 🙂 The past is so bittersweet. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I had done some things differently in the past but then I realise that the past is the past. It’s better to live in the present because without our version tf what we’ve gone through, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t have the chance to make it better.

    Liked by 1 person

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