I originally wasn’t gonna post this, but here it is….
Hi everyone, I’m back writing as All The Jazz for you all.
Lately I’ve been having a pretty rough time with friends, family, and myself so I decided to make a post about it.
When you have a medical issue, it’s very hard to find people who understand. They might say they do, but really they don’t. The horrible part of me wishes they can all live in my life for a week to see how they survive, and to get them to understand the struggle. That sounds bad, I know, but I hope that makes you guys understand my frustration.
Sometimes I want to scream and shout for the whole world to hear how tough it is, how tough it is to get up everyday for school, to appear happy and cheerful at school, to pretend I’m not in tones of pain everyday.
I’m struggling! But I’m fighting! So much so nobody at my school (including my friends) had no idea I was going through anything for 3 years. They probably wouldn’t know now if I hadn’t started to let cracks show.
But I’ve learnt some things.
I learnt how supportive some of my friends are.
I learnt how not-so supportive some of my friends are.
I mean, who just replies with ‘get well soon’ when you find out one of your friends is struggling with a medical condition. And I’m aware how bitchy I sound, I apologise. Especially to the friend I’m talking about because I know you’re reading (please continue btw, I want you to understand) it just really, really hurts. And you don’t get it. Nobody does, not even my own mother.
When I try to convey my hurt and pain with others and how their words affected me, they always confuse hurt with anger. And that’s always how fights start. That’s been happening recently lately with my Mum and I. We keep fighting about this and I don’t know how to make her understand.
Sometimes I really feel like I’ve messed my family up. Before it all started, we were all happy, not much stress in our lives at all, my mum and I never dreamed to fighting and 3-4 years later, here we are. Stressed and annoyed, attending all these GP and hospital appointments, me missing school, my mum missing work… I had to grow up so quickly, the past years feel like they went so slowly yet quickly at the same time.
Ughhh it’s such a frustrating situation! I don’t even know if anything I’m writing makes sense, I’m just writing, not really thinking, I just need an outlet right now.
Ok, let’s try give this post some structure.
I miss school, quite a lot. Once again due to this mysterious medical condition I haven’t clarified for you all. One day my friends, one day. Anyway, missing school due to this is obviously bad but it’s caused other issues. Say if I’m ill, nothing to do with my issue, it’s so hard to convince my mum I cannot go in. It’s like if it’s not about my condition, I have to go in, even if I can’t. This causes fights between us, and unwanted stress. And all of a sudden it’s my fault and I get punished somehow or yelled at as if I made myself sick, and it’s so annoying. I don’t even have any words.
As expected, I take a few tablets to help me exist and get up in the morning every day. My doctors want to reduce one of the tablets that help me the most, because they could cause issues in the future. The last time they tried to do this, I was completely out of action for a week. That experience, no joke, really scarred me and I’m so, so terrified to do it again. Has anyone got any idea what I could do? Because every time I try to talk to my mum about it, once again we end up fighting.
Lately, I’ve been feeling rather alone. I’ve been really feeling the effects of hiding it and fighting it every single day. It’s so tiring. And when you’re in a school full of stuck up teenagers and hear them stressing and crying about petty problems as if it’s the end of the world…let’s just say it really annoys me and upsets me. Even some of my friends are guilty of that.
I don’t even know anymore…
In addition to all my medical issues, I’m a teenage girl too. I’m gonna have those ‘normal’ teenage girl issues like body and appearance confidence, school stress, friendship conflict too. And all this stuff combined has made me rather….sad. I have these emotional breakdowns, the few days before going back to school after break I have these anxiety like breakdown attacks, and all my worries feel locked inside of me and I have nobody to tell. Sometimes I just want to give up. And today’s one of those days.
Yes I haven’t got a normal problem. I haven’t got family problems, school problems. I have a fucking medical problem that restricts me more than you’ll ever know. As I type this I’m in so much pain, but I’m used to it, aren’t I? So it must be fine to just deal with. Right? Because you all know don’t you? They all think they know and they don’t. They’re not when close. I’m alone…literally. What I’m going through is extremely rare in young people like me. Doctors have only experienced this with adults. So yeah. I’m fucked up, and the only one.
Million problems and no solutions.
Ok, that’s the end of this post…whatever this post is. Thank you so much if you read it all, and sorry if this post wasn’t what you were looking forward to. I’m just feeling so upset, angry, alone…borderline depressed really. I needed to let it all out, so I turned to WordPress. Sorry if some stuff doesn’t make sense, I’m a bit of an emotional wreck right now, and it’s not fun. Not at all. And the sad thing I bet nobody I know is going to take the time to ask if I’m ok. Nobody knows, nobody cares.
I might delete this later, or put it on private or something, I’m not too sure yet.
– All The Jazz