An Abundance of My Feelings and Emotions

I originally wasn’t gonna post this, but here it is….

Hi everyone, I’m back writing as All The Jazz for you all. 

Lately I’ve been having a pretty rough time with friends, family, and myself so I decided to make a post about it. 

When you have a medical issue, it’s very hard to find people who understand. They might say they do, but really they don’t. The horrible part of me wishes they can all live in my life for a week to see how they survive, and to get them to understand the struggle. That sounds bad, I know, but I hope that makes you guys understand my frustration. 

Sometimes I want to scream and shout for the whole world to hear how tough it is, how tough it is to get up everyday for school, to appear happy and cheerful at school, to pretend I’m not in tones of pain everyday. 

I’m struggling! But I’m fighting! So much so nobody at my school (including my friends) had no idea I was going through anything for 3 years. They probably wouldn’t know now if I hadn’t started to let cracks show. 

But I’ve learnt some things. 

I learnt how supportive some of my friends are.

I learnt how not-so supportive some of my friends are. 

I mean, who just replies with ‘get well soon’ when you find out one of your friends is struggling with a medical condition. And I’m aware how bitchy I sound, I apologise. Especially to the friend I’m talking about because I know you’re reading (please continue btw, I want you to understand) it just really, really hurts. And you don’t get it. Nobody does, not even my own mother. 

When I try to convey my hurt and pain with others and how their words affected me, they always confuse hurt with anger. And that’s always how fights start. That’s been happening recently lately with my Mum and I. We keep fighting about this and I don’t know how to make her understand. 

Sometimes I really feel like I’ve messed my family up. Before it all started, we were all happy, not much stress in our lives at all, my mum and I never dreamed to fighting and 3-4 years later, here we are. Stressed and annoyed, attending all these GP and hospital appointments, me missing school, my mum missing work… I had to grow up so quickly, the past years feel like they went so slowly yet quickly at the same time. 

Ughhh it’s such a frustrating situation! I don’t even know if anything I’m writing makes sense, I’m just writing, not really thinking, I just need an outlet right now.

Ok, let’s try give this post some structure.

Missing School…

I miss school, quite a lot. Once again due to this mysterious medical condition I haven’t clarified for you all. One day my friends, one day. Anyway, missing school due to this is obviously bad but it’s caused other issues. Say if I’m ill, nothing to do with my issue, it’s so hard to convince my mum I cannot go in. It’s like if it’s not about my condition, I have to go in, even if I can’t. This causes fights between us, and unwanted stress. And all of a sudden it’s my fault and I get punished somehow or yelled at as if I made myself sick, and it’s so annoying. I don’t even have any words. 

Medication…

As expected, I take a few tablets to help me exist and get up in the morning every day. My doctors want to reduce one of the tablets that help me the most, because they could cause issues in the future. The last time they tried to do this, I was completely out of action for a week. That experience, no joke, really scarred me and I’m so, so terrified to do it again. Has anyone got any idea what I could do? Because every time I try to talk to my mum about it, once again we end up fighting.

Feeling alone…

Lately, I’ve been feeling rather alone. I’ve been really feeling the effects of hiding it and fighting it every single day. It’s so tiring. And when you’re in a school full of stuck up teenagers and hear them stressing and crying about petty problems as if it’s the end of the world…let’s just say it really annoys me and upsets me. Even some of my friends are guilty of that. 

I don’t even know anymore…

In addition to all my medical issues, I’m a teenage girl too. I’m gonna have those ‘normal’ teenage girl issues like body and appearance confidence, school stress, friendship conflict too. And all this stuff combined has made me rather….sad. I have these emotional breakdowns, the few days before going back to school after break I have these anxiety like breakdown attacks, and all my worries feel locked inside of me and I have nobody to tell. Sometimes I just want to give up. And today’s one of those days.

Yes I haven’t got a normal problem. I haven’t got family problems, school problems. I have a fucking medical problem that restricts me more than you’ll ever know. As I type this I’m in so much pain, but I’m used to it, aren’t I? So it must be fine to just deal with. Right? Because you all know don’t you? They all think they know and they don’t. They’re not when close. I’m alone…literally. What I’m going through is extremely rare in young people like me. Doctors have only experienced this with adults. So yeah. I’m fucked up, and the only one. 

Million problems and no solutions. 

Ok, that’s the end of this post…whatever this post is. Thank you so much if you read it all, and sorry if this post wasn’t what you were looking forward to. I’m just feeling so upset, angry, alone…borderline depressed really. I needed to let it all out, so I turned to WordPress. Sorry if some stuff doesn’t make sense, I’m a bit of an emotional wreck right now, and it’s not fun. Not at all. And the sad thing I bet nobody I know is going to take the time to ask if I’m ok. Nobody knows, nobody cares. 

I might delete this later, or put it on private or something, I’m not too sure yet.

  –    All The Jazz 

Advertisements

39 thoughts on “An Abundance of My Feelings and Emotions

  1. Aww I’m so sorry to hear you’re having to go through all this! It’s so hard when people don’t understand you but never try to hide your feelings or pain! I’m sorry I’m so rubbish at advice and things like that and this will probably be no help but one of my favourite quotes in tough times is ‘hey little fighter, soon things will be brighter!’ ❤ sending hugs xx

    Liked by 3 people

  2. It’s so sad to see you like this and I hate seeing you in this state. I was once in a terrible position (which I know is not as bad as yours) and I felt like I was getting nowhere and things weren’t gonna get any better. I couldn’t talk to anyone so all I did was just write it down in poetry form and post it on WordPress. My blog was the only place I could ramble on about the pain. It was incredibly brave of you to just let it out and it’s one of the most relieving as well. I know things are hard and you feel like you’re alone but trust me you aren’t. You have God and all these other people who follow you here who will support you continuously. I know it may sound cliche but things will get better. I wish I could somehow make you feel better entirely but I’m doing the best I can. Sorry for the long comment btw ❤️😊

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much, I really appreciate this. Just knowing you relate and have had these feelings before automatically make me feel better. I really, really hope things do better for me. One day, just gotta hope

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about the impact this is having on you. You don’t need to hide how you really feel, it probably isn’t helping you. Try and explain as much as you want to your friends and I’m sure they will try to understand how much pain you live with and how stressful it is. It might seem tough now, but things will improve. It might not seem like that will happen at this point in time, but it will. Just keep fighting. This will make you so much stronger in life and it will help you in the future. This might seem like an impossible situation but keep going because YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TOO! don’t let anything or anyone stop you! Xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. As for telling my friends, I find that stressful to be honest. There’s no way of knowing how the reaction’s gonna be. Some that know understand, some don’t. It’s just gonna have to stay that way sadly.
      Hopefully things do get better, but right now I’m in a position where I highly doubt it. But thank you, I’ll continue to hope and fight, that’s all I can do really🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not really good at putting feelings into words, but sum it up to say that I wish I could understand what you’re going through. I wish other people could, too. I just hope for you that you stay strong and keep trying to tell them, because someday someone will at least mostly understand. You just have to keep hoping. Sorry if that makes no sense.
    ~ Rainbow Girl ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, and don’t worry that did make sense! Writing this post was hard, releasing all this information was hard, but the fact that you and other bloggers understand, relate with me and support me really makes me feel better. Thank you again🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow! You’ve been through a lot recently and I want to commend you on how well you seem to be handling it all. You have always seemed very mature of mind, and that really comes across. I understand the difficulty and that it is very tough for people to know what to say, but sometimes I think that actions speak louder than words, and what you need is for people just to be there for you and to support you and cheer you up on the tough days. As for the situation with your mum, again, I think you just need the stress free support. I would also talk to the doctor or find some forums for people who have the same condition or medication (if possible) to ask for advice on how to start reducing the medication with less fear of doing so. As long as you’re here, you’re never alone. I’m always free for a chat whenever you want, so you can ask my social media or whatever, and pop up when you need me ❤ You don’t have to feel alone ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me, it means a lot. I agree with everything you said, actions do speak louder than words, and sometimes it’s all a person’s gonna need!
      Lucky I do have someone to talk to apart from my mum when times get rough with her, there’s a councillor at my school I really like. She’s lovely, and I’m so glad I can talk to her when I can’t talk to my mum. She actually suggested the idea for the forums with people with the same sort of situation as me as well! I’ve tried that, and I couldn’t fine anything. But I’ll try again, you never know right?
      Thank you so much again, you’re amazing🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re most welcome! I’m really glad you’ve got someone to talk to, and especially someone who will give you good, impartial advice and confidentiality which can always be helpful when you want to discuss more difficult things. ❤ And support you, of course! 🙂 There’s no harm in looking again! Thank you so much, and my door always remains open to you ☺

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry about what you’ve been going through; I pray for your well being ❤ Let me tell you that you are such a strong person to be sharing this, and to be living through what you are going through right now. There's always some sort of battle that every person is going through or has gone through in life, whether it is emotional or physical pain; I've dealt with lots of emotional and psychological things, and even though I haven't had a medical condition like you, I understand your thoughts and feelings. Please remember that you are such a beautiful and strong person; please don't ever, ever forget that even if you are feeling down – you will learn to overcome this, and fight back ❤ xx

    Lot's of hugs,

    Aqsa ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much🙂 Knowing you relate, knowing lots of you all out there relate, makes me feel so much better. You’re so kind, and I’ll try to remember those things, I’ll definitely be coming back to your comment and many others when I’m in this down mood again. And I’ll fight, hope and fight. It’s all I can do really!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I really hope you can over come this! I don’t really know much about it but if you ever want to talk to me about anything I will be here. I love reading your blog and how positive you are about everything so I cannot fathom what you really must be going through. I’m sorry, you are an amazing girl and I can completely understand if you often think ‘why me?’
    My best wishes and payers,
    Sincerely Me xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t really know what to say because I’m feeling exactly what you’re feeling and I don’t want to toss you a piece of advice that I can’t even follow. So all I’ll say is keep fighting through the pain, because you got this. You’ve helped me when I was down and I want to help you when you’re down. I especially want you to know that you ARE NOT ALONE. If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here and I 100% mean that 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I hope you’re getting better! I know I can’t do much because I live somewhere else across the globe, but I feel like giving you a giant hug. *virtual hugs* If you ever need to talk to someone, about what you’re going through, or just someone to talk to about anything, I’m always here. Indy xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. We’re all here for you! We might not completely understand but we do all love and support you and I really hope you’re feeling better. And it’s completely fine to write about how you feel, even if how you feel is more negative, because it’s your blog and your life. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You were really brave to share this honey. I hope it helped you a little (personal blogging, whilst scary, can be very therapeutic). It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and if you ever wanna talk about it I’m here for you, just dm me on twitter or something, it can be completely random I won’t care!
    Jas xx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. there’s nothing I can say but I’m sorry. I have no hope of understanding and I won’t pretend to because that would be disrespectful. What I will say is – thank you for being honest. There aren’t many people who can just say they’re fucking miserable and alone without sugarcoating it. People need to hear this, to be hit with the reality of it. The fact is that people will never get it because they’re not you and no matter how much they explain it to them, they can’t possibly understand because they aren’t going through what you are.

    My best advice is to sit down with your mum one day and talk: if she gets angry, simply tell her you don’t think it’s fair: by you remaining calm, you’re showing her you can do that. I know it’s hard and much, much easier said than done but it’s your best bet. If you ever need someone to rant to, I’m here; I won’t tell you all the patronising bullshit you so often get. People will listen – that may not help, but sometimes having an ear is the best thing you can have. As for your friends, if they’re being insensitive, tell them so. If that starts fights, that’s not your fault. You have this pain to deal with. They don’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re amazing, thank you so, so much. This comment literally made me so happy because you sound like the councillor I have at my school, and sometimes holidays are hard because I can’t talk to her, and you’ve filled that void. Thank you. I’m going to try what you said to handle my mum, it’s gonna be hard, like you said but I’m gonna try the next time we end up fighting about it, I hope it works. I might take you up on your offer, could I let you know how it goes with my mum? I wish it was that easy with my friends! It’s like they have a hold on me that makes me literally terrified to speak up because I’m scared of what might happen. But you’re so right, I can’t thank you enough

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course you can! Message me whenever, okay? I’m here – as for friends, sadly, it could be necessary for you to tell them 😦 Love you and good luck xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you😊 And yep, I know I have to do it, I just really need to motivate myself. Maybe I’ll do it in year 11 in like the last week because I’ll never see them again to see the fallout😂

        Like

  13. I really hope that everything goes well…I’m sorry to hear about your illness. I think Elm really gave you the best advice so there is no point rewriting it (lol). I know how terrible it must be and I really hope it gets better for you! We all love you here in the blogging community and we are always here to support you. As I just said Elm really gave the best advice and it would be rude to copy so ehh😂
    No but seriously I really hope it gets better! Lots of love love love love love xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much🙂 I really do hope it gets better, even though it’s looking kinda unlikely. But all the love and support from the blogging community is amazing, and I’m so glad I have you all! Thank you again💞

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s